# Frameworks to help figuring out if he or she could be the one? ## Best friend & Prioritize sex - [Emily Nagoski: How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime | TED Talk](https://www.ted.com/talks/emily_nagoski_how_couples_can_sustain_a_strong_sexual_connection_for_a_lifetime) 1. Your partner is like your best friend 2. Prioritize sex ## Why do happy people cheat? - [Esther Perel: Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | TED Talk](https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved) ## How to pick your life partner: friendship + feeling of home + determination to be good - [How to Pick Your Life Partner - Part 1 - Wait But Why](https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html) - How people usually behave when looking for their life partner - [How to Pick Your Life Partner - Part 2 - Wait But Why](https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner-part-2.html) 1. An Epic Friendship - A Traffic Test-passing friendship entails: - A great sense of humor click. - No one wants to spend 50 years fake laughing. - Fun. - And the ability to extract fun out of unfun situations—airport delays, long drives, errands. Not surprisingly, studies suggest that the amount of fun a couple has is a strong predictor for their future. - A respect for each other’s brains and way of thinking. - A life partner doubles as a career/life therapist, and if you don’t respect the way someone thinks, you’re not going to want to tell them your thoughts on work each day, or on anything else interesting that pops into your head, because you won’t really care that much what they have to say about it. - A decent number of common interests, activities, and people-preferences. - Otherwise a lot of what makes you ‘you’ will inevitably become a much smaller part of your life, and you and your life partner will struggle to find enjoyable ways to spend a free Saturday together. 2. A Feeling of Home - Trust and security. - Secrets are poison to a relationship, because they form an invisible wall inside the relationship, leaving both people somewhat alone in the world—and besides, who wants to spend 50 years lying or worrying about hiding something? - Natural chemistry. - Interacting should be easy and natural, energy levels should be in the same vicinity, and you should feel on the same “wavelength” in general. When I’m with someone on a very different wavelength than I am, it doesn’t take long before the interaction becomes exhausting. - Acceptance of human flaws. - You’re flawed. Like, really flawed. And so is your current or future life-partner. Being flawed is part of the definition of being a human. And one of the worst fates would be to spend most of your life being criticized for your flaws and reprimanded for continuing to have them. This isn’t to say people shouldn’t work on self-improvement, but when it comes to a life partnership, the healthy attitude is, “Every person comes with a set of flaws, these are my partner’s, and they’re part of the package I knowingly chose to spend my life with.” - A generally positive vibe. - Remember, this is the vibe you’re a part of now, forever. It’s not really acceptable for it to be a negative one, nor is it sustainable. Relationship scientist John Gottman has found that “couples with a ratio of fewer than five positive interactions for every negative one are destined for divorce.” 3. A Determination to be Good at Marriage - So what skills does someone need to learn to be good at marriage? - Communication. - Communication being on this list is as silly as “oxygen” being on a list of items you need to stay healthy. And yet, poor communication is the downfall of a huge number of couples—in fact, in a study on divorcees, communication style was the top thing they said they’d change for their next relationship. Communication is hard to do well consistently—successful couples often need to create pre-planned systems or even partake in couples’ therapy to make sure it happens. - Maintaining equality. - Relationships can slip into an unequal power dynamic pretty quickly. When one person’s mood always dictates the mood in the room, when one person’s needs or opinion consistently prevail over the other’s, when one person can treat the other in a way they’d never stand for being treated themselves—you’ve got a problem. - Fighting well. - Fighting is inevitable. But there are good and bad ways to fight. When a couple is good at fighting, they defuse tension, approach things with humor, and genuinely listen to the other side, while avoiding getting nasty, personal or defensive. They also fight less often than a bad couple. According to John Gottman, 69% of a typical couple’s fights are perpetual, based on core differences, and cannot be resolved—and a skilled couple understands this and refrains from engaging in these brawls again and again. ## The marriage decision: Gut + Know your deal breakers - [The Marriage Decision: Everything Forever or Nothing Ever Again - Wait But Why](https://waitbutwhy.com/2016/09/marriage-decision.html) - When you pick a partner, you love him or her with her weaknesses and you accept them. 1. Find out where your gut is leaning, using thought experiments. - Does this feel right? - Thought experiments - “Imagine you were being arranged married by the town matchmaker and she handed you an envelope with your to-be spouse’s name written inside. You open the envelope and it’s the name of your current partner.” - This image might just make your gut jump up for a second and say, “Phew!” Or maybe instead, it would deflate just a little, just for a moment. If either happens, that’s good information. - Another type of thought experiment tries to get at the general yes or no feeling the question “does this feel right?” is supposed to reveal, but with some real on-the-nose imagery. - Like: “Picture two gravestones next to each other—yours and your partners. Does that feel right?” - Some of the most telling thought experiments help hear what the gut’s saying by trying to remove the often deafening voice of fear from the question and seeing if that changes anything. - For example, to test whether a resistance to breaking up is just a dread of the actual breakup itself, you could ask: “If there were a big green button in front of me that, if pressed, would make me fully single, where everything has been worked out with getting our things from each other’s apartments, where everyone in my life already knows, and where I’m totally emotionally recovered and moving on—in fact, I have a date tonight—would I press the button?” - Or if the real fear is of being single for years and years and never finding a new relationship, the button could do all of those things but also include “and I’m immersed in a new relationship.” - A fear of eternal commitment could be sussed out with a question like, “What if The Decision weren’t between breaking up and marriage, but only between breaking up and committing to the relationship for the next five years?” 2. Figure out what your deal-breakers are. - Most real deal-breakers will be broad—e.g. “I may be able to fall in love with a negative person, but I could never be happy with that person.” Or, “I will never be with someone who makes my self-esteem lower.” Or, “I could never be happy with someone who isn’t intellectually curious.” Or something clean-cut like, “I could never be happy with someone who refused to have children.” # Good articles on long term relationships - [10 Signs That You're Ready For Marriage](https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-signs-that-youre-ready-for-marriage.html) - [7 Signs That You're Ready for Marriage](https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/signs-youre-ready-for-marriage) - [7 Ways to Tell If You'll Work as a Couple Long-Term | Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201408/7-ways-tell-if-youll-work-couple-long-term) - **Prosocial** (Caring about others). Example: A partner supports me when I am feeling down. - **Restrictive Conformity** (Avoiding harm to others). Example: Partners do not lie to one other. - **Enjoyment** (Seeking pleasure). Example: Partners should be able to laugh and joke together. - **Achievement** (Personal success in life). Example: I feel everyone should work hard to succeed on the job. - **Maturity** (Understanding, accepting self and others). Example: When my partner fails me or in pursuit of a goal, I do not withhold my love. - **Self-direction** (Independence in thought and action). Example: Even though we are a committed couple, my partner and I do not try to control each other’s thoughts, behaviors, or beliefs. - **Security** (Safety and stability of self, relationships; belongingness in groups). Example: My partner and I take time to discuss how the relationship is going and work together to ensure mutual satisfaction in our relationship. - [30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love ... - Karl Pillemer, Ph.D. - Google Livres](https://books.google.fr/books?id=-NvbAwAAQBAJ&pg=PT33&lpg=PT33&dq=life+partner+share+value&source=bl&ots=TCzD2k8qK-&sig=_UOk0ia41b81ucKAvMYLPPkueGU&hl=fr&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwj75-Lf1tzfAhVF0RoKHam_DE04FBDoATABegQICBAB#v=onepage&q=life%20partner%20share%20value&f=false)“ - Value incompatibility is a profound threat to a long-term marriage. - [The key for a successful relationship: Aligned values | by Alejandro Saucedo | Medium](https://medium.com/@AxSaucedo/the-key-a-successful-relationship-aligned-values-1b826e4931b5) - Different personality does not mean different values. - [Staying true to ourselves in business and life — Vision, motivations & values | by Alejandro Saucedo | Medium](https://medium.com/@AxSaucedo/2016-life-vision-motivations-values-7ea35c15b508) - [What Should You Look For In A Partner? Here's How To Figure Out Your Core Values In Relationships, According To Experts](https://www.bustle.com/p/what-should-you-look-for-in-a-partner-heres-how-to-figure-out-your-core-values-in-relationships-according-to-experts-3004480) - Ultimately, as long as you're fulfilled in your relationship and feel like you can be your authentic self around your partner without sacrificing any of your core values (and your partner should feel the same!), then you're already well on your way to a healthy, happy, long-lasting relationship. 1. What in life makes me feel the most fulfilled? 2. What moments have brought me the most happiness? 3. Consider a moment in life that was really meaningful for you. What gave it that meaning? What makes it stand out? 4. Consider a time when you were feeling unhappy or uncomfortable. Was there a particular value that wasn't being addressed or that was being pushed down? 5. What makes you feel the most like yourself? 6. What in your life do you feel like you need in order to be your most genuine and satisfied self? - [7 Things You Should Never Compromise On In A Relationship](https://www.bustle.com/articles/112528-7-things-you-should-never-compromise-on-in-a-relationship) - [9 Things You Should Always Have In Common With Your Partner](https://www.bustle.com/p/9-things-you-should-always-have-in-common-with-your-partner-2455184)