# Deep questions to start a conversation or get to know someone better ## Good questions to skip small talk - From 'Captivate' ([Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People - Van Edwards, Vanessa - Amazon](https://www.amazon.fr/Captivate-Succeeding-Vanessa-Van-Edwards/dp/0399564489)): 1. Highlight of your day 2. What passion project are 3. Have any vacations coming up 4. What's your story 5. How do you unwind - David Brooks - "How to Know a Person". - When somebody brings up something that sounds even moderately challenging—a breakup, a difficult parent, an argument with a friend, something their boss did-even ofthand—you just say these six simple words: - "What was that like for you?" - Or alternatively: "How did you feel when that happened?" - You'll be astounded by how much this can deepen a conversation and cut away the small talk. - Other questions to skip small talk in French: - Qu'est-ce qui te fait te sentir vivant ? - Que lis-tu en ce moment ? - Qu'est-ce que tu as appris de tes parents ? - Raconte-moi les moments de ta vie qui ont été des tournants (your life's inflection points) - C'est quoi ton idéal de vie ? Pro, perso, etc. ? - Tu as des frères et soeurs ? - A quoi tu penses quand t'es seul ? - La meilleure et la pire décision de ta vie ? - De quoi es-tu le plus et le moins fier ? - Tu te vois où dans 10 ans ? ## Ask about his/her [[5 languages of love]] ## Ask some of the [[36 questions to fall in love]] ## Ask some of the [[49 questions of Kaufman]] ## Other lists of deep questions - Deep questions from Askh* le - ![[Deep questions - diy_askhole.pdf]] - 200 questions to get to know someone ![[200-Questions-to-get-to-know-someone-conversationstartersworld.com_.pdf]] - Deep questions with your partner - Can't remember where I found this list ![[Deeptalk questions with your partner.JPG]] - Even more questions - How do you judge a person? - What two questions would you ask to someone to judge him now? - What important truth are you not telling? - Have you created an honest and complete list of the fears I’m holding on to? - What are you lying to yourself about? - What's your biggest regret ? What's your biggest hope? - What are the things you absolutely don't want to be regretting on your deathbed? - What keeps you up at night? - What would you say to your 18-year old self - what would he say to you? - What bridges are you happy you burnt. Which one should you burn? - What do you value most in a friendship? - What habit should you start? - What are you must unhappy about? / happy about? - What are you terrified of losing? - What's your strongest addiction? - How do you define mental peace? - How do you define a well rounded life/success/happiness/? - What might become your biggest regret this year? - What person with which you've lost contact do you regret the most? - Where does your self-worth come from? By what standards do you judge yourself? - What do you attribute your largest successes to? Your biggest failures? - What's the most important goal every person should have? - What do you think your future self will remember about you know? - What percentage of your life do you really feel alive? When do you feel that way? How could you feel like that more often? - What days do you regret living? How can you avoid these kind of days in the future? ## Book - Relationships - The School of Life From [The School of Life: An Emotional Education - Amazon](https://www.amazon.com/School-Life-Emotional-Education/dp/0241382319): - Kindness and children - We are kind to children because they don’t mean to insult your cooking when throwing away their veggies, they are just self centered beings that are easily overwhelmed with emotions. - Conversely, it’s easy to take everything personally from adults, as if they meant it. In truth, there’s a child in each of us, who comes back to the surface more often than we accept it. - Politeness and secrets - It’s exhilarating to feel we can share everything with our partner, yet some parts of our madness, things we’ve done, or thoughts we had could, if shared in the name of honesty, damage them forever. In the same way, parents must withhold some truths not to hurt children, we should accept the counterintuitive fact that there should be a limit to our honesty with our lover. - Exemple from the article about “when are you ready to get married” on the app: past love affairs might be best kept hidden from our partner, for despite their best efforts at being rational and accepting it, thoughts of being compared in bed, or not being good enough and such might enter their mind against their will and thus spoil the relationship. - Good questions - What would you most like to be complimented on in the relationship? - Where do you think you’re especially good as a person? - Which of your flaws do you want to be treated more generously? - What would you tell your younger self about love? - What do you think I get wrong about you? - What is one incident you’d like me to apologize for? - How have I let you down? - What would you change about me? - If I was magically offered a wand to change something about you, what do you guess it would be? - What would you like to try in bed? - Good sentences to finish - I resent… - I am puzzled by… - I am hurt by… - I regret… - I am afraid that… - I am frustrated by… - I am happier when… - I want… - I appreciate.... - I hope… - I would so like you to understand… # Emotional maturity, vulnerability & difficult people ## Emotional maturity [20 Signs You're Emotionally Mature - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-J9BVBjK3o) - *'Good enough'* - *'You cease to care about what people think'* ## Emotional vulnerability [[Emotional Vulnerability Guide]] ## Dealing with difficult people - From 'Captivate' - You can’t argue with a feeling - you can only acknowledge it! - Different types of difficult people 1. **Downers** - very negative, always complain and are never happy - they are afraid of being rejected so they reject everyone first. 2. **Show-off** - they brag and act like they are better than everyone else. They are narcissistic so their fear is that of being forgotten, so they do everything they can to be impressive. 3. **Passive** - very quiet, never ask questions and never contribute. Invisible or noncontributors. They are afraid of being wrong so they never say anything to give people nothing to criticise. 4. **Tanks** - explosive, bossy and overly emotional. Dramatic and over reactive because they are afraid of being out of control - so they take control. - It’s much easier for an emotion to control a thought than a thought to control and emotion. ### The NUT Job Framework 1. **Name the emotion** - what are they fearing. Reflect back what your hearing so they feel listened to and validated. Use phrases like: - You seem? - Are you feeling? - Give me a sense of what you’re feeling? 2. **Understand the feeling** - once someone feels validated, they move to the high level processing and they are more rational. Try to understand what is this person seeking? - What is their value? Use phrases like: - Tell me what happened that made you feel this way? - The reason you’re so ... is because? - What caused this? 3. **Tame the fear** - help the person overcome the fear and worry using: - How can I help? - What needs to happen to make you feel better? - What role can I play? - What role can you play? This is pretty close from the concept of '**tactical empathy**' from Chriss Voss in Never Split the Difference ([[Negotiation Playbook]]). # The secret to long term meaningful relationships (for friends or life partners)? - This is pretty similar to the [[Picking a life partner - Is he or she the one?]] (without the dating/romance part).