# Introduction ## Risks/Fears of being vulnerable - Emotional strength and weakness - [How to Be More Vulnerable and Authentic | Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-mastery/202008/how-be-more-vulnerable-and-authentic) - Choosing to be vulnerable means facing: sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, embarrassment, disappointment, or frustration. - These are the feelings that most commonly result when things don’t turn out the way you want. - And if you can handle these seven feelings, then you can handle being vulnerable, whether at a conscious or non-conscious level. - Paradoxically, vulnerability has a connection to both emotional strength and weakness. As described, you are at your greatest emotional strength when you consciously choose to “put yourself out there”—to take risks to pursue what is meaningful to you. - If you think about or refer to yourself as emotionally weak, it is typically because you feel vulnerable and either: - a) you do not believe or have the sense that you have the emotional resources to handle such hurt (the seven other feelings); - b) you are aware you could be hurt but are not willing to risk facing unwanted emotional outcomes, like sadness, anger, disappointment, or embarrassment; - or c) you don’t or won’t more openly express what you think or feel. ## Emotional vomit vs Vulnerability - [Vulnerability: The Key to Better Relationships](https://markmanson.net/vulnerability-in-relationships) - **What vulnerability is not** - If you’re telling someone about how you felt when your dog died, or your strained relationship with your dad, or how you really bonded with your friend when you hiked through the mountains of Peru together… but you’re doing it all just to get them to like you more—well, that’s not vulnerability. It’s manipulation. - Genuine vulnerability is not about what you do, it’s all about why you’re doing it. It’s the intention behind your behavior that makes it truly vulnerable (or not). - Are you telling someone you’re attracted to about your nerdy hobbies to simply share yourself with them (that’s being vulnerable), or are you doing it to show them your “sensitive side” (that’s being manipulative)? - **Emotional vomit** - Emotional vomit is when you suddenly unload an inappropriate amount of emotions and personal history onto a conversation, usually to the utter horror of the person listening. - Emotional vomit is difficult because on the one hand, it is genuinely vulnerable, but on the other hand, it’s repellent and unattractive. In effect, you’re being open and authentic about how needy and pathetic you are. And whether hidden or apparent, neediness is never attractive. - The difficulty with emotional vomit is that if you’re harboring a lot of neediness, then it needs to come out somehow, in some way, for you to ever resolve it. This is what I refer to as the pain period. - **Power of vulnerability** - A person who can make themselves vulnerable, exposing their weaknesses without any regard to what others will think, is saying to the world, “I don’t care what you think of me. This is who I am, and I refuse to be anyone else.” ## The impact of not being vulnerable in relationships - [How to Be More Vulnerable in Relationships -](https://www.growingself.com/how-to-be-more-vulnerable-in-relationships/) - As Brene Brown discusses in her amazing TED Talk about the power of vulnerability: Being vulnerable means sharing the most important, authentic parts of yourself with someone who matters to you — and risking rejection. Being vulnerable means “being seen” for who and what you are, and exposing yourself to the potential for hurt. While this may sound intimidating, the alternative is often worse: Being closed off can lead to loneliness, and feeling unseen, and unknown by others. - I can tell you that many, if not most, relationship fights are really not about the things that people are fighting about, like how much money was spent, or whether or not someone wants to have sex, or “the tone” being used, or whether or not someone followed through with whatever they said they were going to do. Relationship fights are about not feeling cared for, feeling unheard, feeling disrespected, and feeling disconnected. - On the other hand, when people are not able to be vulnerable in relationships and trust themselves and their partners enough to allow themselves to truly be seen, relationships remain superficial. Yes, you may have a companion and a social partner, but the core of your relationship — emotional intimacy, empathy, and responsiveness — feels barren. - Over time, these types of relationships tend to become stagnant. Or, if people have feelings inside of themselves that they are not communicating about vulnerably (and consequently, the needs they have are not getting acknowledged or met) they can also start to believe that the relationship itself is not sustainable. - [How To Be Vulnerable In A Relationship, According To Experts](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a36652423/how-to-be-vulnerable-in-a-relationship/) - "A distant, shutdown, or emotionally-unavailable person can desire closeness and connection with others but have difficulty expressing this," Sommerfeldt notes. "When that happens, their relationships can suffer by feeling neglected or distant." - "When we have built a habit of avoiding or just burying our emotions we start to lose sight of how we actually feel," says Monica Denais, a licensed professional counselor who works with high-achieving millennial women entrepreneurs. ## The power of vulnerability - [The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o) - Shame and fear of disconnection are universal. - (Excruciating vulnerability) - Love with our whole hearts. - I am enough (in French it would be: "Je suis comme je suis"). We stop screaming and start listening. # How to be vulnerable ## How to be vulnerable to improve relationships (friends and life partner) - [Vulnerability: The Key to Better Relationships](https://markmanson.net/vulnerability-in-relationships) - **Ways to be vulnerable**: - Admit You Suck at Something - Take Responsibility Instead of Blaming Others - Tell Someone They’re Being Hurtful/Insensitive - Tell Someone You Appreciate/Admire/Respect/Love Them - [5 Ways To Be More Vulnerable To Improve Your Relationship - Keir Brady Counseling Services](http://www.keirbradycounseling.com/being-vulnerable-can-improve-your-relationship/) - **1. Know Yourself** - Everyone has a past and early experiences that help shape current responses and reactions. Sharing these past experiences that may be impacting your relationship can help your partner better understand who you are. - When you are aware of some of your deepest fears and needs, you have the opportunity to be vulnerable with your partner by sharing them. - **2. Start Slow** - You do not, and should not share all of your most personal feelings and experiences on a first date. - Ask questions of your partner to better understand them. - Begin by sharing something about yourself that reveals something that you feel comfortable discussing. Maybe you can share a struggle that you are facing at work. - When you begin to build more trust and start feeling comfortable, you can open up about things of a more personal nature. - **3. Share In The Moment** - If your partner says something that hurts you, share with them how you are feeling. - Use “I” statements when you share. For instance, you could say 'I feel hurt when you say I’m being too sensitive as it is something my mother used to say whenever I cried or was visibly upset'. - When you are hurt or upset, you might want to ignore it or bury it and discuss it later. However, the more you can authentically share yourself and your feelings in the moment, the closer you will feel to your partner. - **4. Share Your Fears** - Even if you believe these fears are irrational, they can still have an impact on your responses and reactions. Sharing these fears with your partner, especially when it seems hard, can help you feel closer. - **5. Ask For What You Need** - When you ask for what you need from your partner, they are able to make an active choice. They get to decide if they are going to meet your needs. You will learn a lot about your partner and the health of your relationship from their response. - Asking for what you need requires vulnerability. It is true that you might open yourself up to disappointment. - [How To Be More Vulnerable In Your Relationship (Even If It Scares You) | HuffPost Life](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-be-more-vulnerable-relationships_l_5daf65b0e4b0f34e3a7e0abd) - When voicing a complaint in the relationship, many partners immediately resort to criticism: “You always come home late after work and now dinner is cold. You’re so self-absorbed.” - But a better — and more vulnerable — approach is to reflect and then reframe that criticism as an expression of a need, rather than an attack on your partner’s character. - Renowned relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman came up with the **“soft startup” technique** that uses the set-up: **“I feel XXXX about XXXX, and I need XXXX”** to broach such conversations. - So in the example above, you might say: “I feel lonely and disappointed about you getting home so late and I need you to make an effort to be home in time for dinner more often. When you can’t make it in time, I need you to call me to let me know.” - And remember that people generally respond to displays of vulnerability in positive ways. ## Exercises to be more vulnerable with your partner? [[Picking a life partner - Is he or she the one?]] ### 30-minute weekly check-in with your partner - [How To Be Vulnerable In A Relationship, According To Experts](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a36652423/how-to-be-vulnerable-in-a-relationship/) - Think penciling it in with your partner is ridiculous? Not so, says Denais. In fact, she recommends scheduling a 30-minute weekly check-in with your better half. "Ask each other 'What went terrible today? What went well?'" she advises. "Giving a little glimpse into your day is the perfect practice for sharing the bigger stuff we tend to avoid." - Denais adds that it’s important to set boundaries about how much you’re willing to share as you start to grow this practice. ### Synchronizing inhalations - [How To Be Vulnerable In A Relationship, According To Experts](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a36652423/how-to-be-vulnerable-in-a-relationship/) - Speaking of stretching beyond your comfort zone, consider this couples exercise from Amias: Sit quietly, back to back, while focusing on breathing together, with the eventual goal of synchronizing your inhalations and exhalations. "This practice can feel really awkward at first, but it’s a great way to practice vulnerability because it’s outside of most people’s comfort zones," she says. - Bonus points: Amias says this practice of breathing together will also help you learn how to listen more effectively, both to yourself and to your partner (and vice versa), which will only serve as a benefit to future conversations. ### 10 min in bed looking into each other's eyes - [How To Be Vulnerable In A Relationship, According To Experts](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a36652423/how-to-be-vulnerable-in-a-relationship/) - "It can be strangely intimidating to think about trying something new with someone you’ve known for 30 years." - One of her go-to techniques? Spend an extra ten minutes in bed in the morning, just silently looking into each other’s eyes. - "It can be a powerful and very vulnerable—the experience of connection. It’s this sort of simple moment of intimacy that couples find they’ve been missing most in their relationship."